The Transaction Trap

I don’t have an answer. Just an epiphany. 

I grabbed dinner with one of my best friends last week. Amidst the candlelight hue and casual sips of my mezcal cocktail, my friend shone a light on me like a scene from a bad detective movie. 

“Camilo, you suck at asking for help. And it affects your relationships.” 

I felt a heaviness in my chest, but it wasn't mezcal. It was that rare feeling when someone tells you something about yourself that you knew, but ignored because, you know, denial and all. However, brought into the light, the reasonable reaction is to say “you are right.” 

I do suck at asking for help. I fret over asking a friend to make an introduction, for fear of using their capital with the person I want to be introduced to. I hesitate asking friends if I can crash at their place when I travel because I don’t want to disrupt their routine. 

The irony is that I generally enjoy when I can do any of the things above for my friends. So what’s behind that dissonance? Why is it that the very things I love to do for others, become so painful to ask for? 

The answer is that I see most of my relationships as transactional. Doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for 10 seconds or 10 years. While I do not keep an abacus of favors, I endeavor to give more than I receive. I don’t like asking for help because I want to ensure that I don’t owe anyone favors, or create the impression that I’m not bringing any value. I give (often too much), to avoid overdrafting in the relationship.

This is The Transaction Trap.

At the more toxic end of the spectrum, those who fall prey to this trap keep track of absolutely everything and will let you know. You’ve probably encountered that one person that asked you to pay for their $3 coffee “because I got it last time,” or will ask for a ride to the airport because they gave you a ride, like, 2 years ago. 

I fall more in the middle, and I suspect many people as well. I don’t keep count of every favor— every “transaction”—but I do evaluate a lot of my relationships on how much I am helping them. This is especially true when I interact with people that I admire, or that I feel are more “powerful”— whatever that means. 

I believe I’ve fallen prey to this trap for two reasons. Fear of abandonment and a sense of unworthiness. Now we are getting deep.

Without starting an unending conversation on what it takes to have a good relationship (professional, personal, romantic, etc.), you could argue that most relationships depend on the trust each party has for the other. And that trust can be built through words and actions that show an acknowledgment of each individual's needs and wants. If, over a period of time, there is no reciprocity, trust will erode along with the relationship. 

I’ve been hyper-sensitive to manage this reciprocity. And I’ve deluded myself that the best approach to maintain this balance is to give a lot and expect or demand very little. The irony is not lost on me that this is anything but balance. 

Yet, the fear was (and is) still there. I used to try to rationalize it by saying “people come, people go.” In reality, I was cutting the weeds, but not pulling the roots.

Now, I use Attachment Theory to spot behaviors that cater to my anxious side, and reframe the events that trigger those behaviors to prevent falling into The Transaction Trap.

Most importantly, I’m beginning to understand that reciprocity implies bilateral actions. And that in the same way I get joy out of helping others, part of building strong relationships that are not measured on a ledger is to let people experience the same joy. 

If people leave, I’m beginning to build the mental resilience to understand that any relationship  ending is not an indictment on my entire being.

The other big contributor to living in The Transaction Trap is a sense of unworthiness. When you feel like your worth is tied to your output (as many of us are socialized to believe), we inevitably fall into thinking that more output = higher sense of worth. But in this frame of mind, you are always starting from zero. So to feel worthy in any relationship, you need to deposit good deeds as if it was your retirement account and you wanted to retire next year. 

However, this is just like running on a hamster wheel. All effort, no progress. Relationships are so much more than helping each other out. They are about sharing quirks, indulging in common curiosities, making space for people to share their greatest joys and deepest fears. To reduce relationships to deposits and withdrawals oversimplifies the nature of human relationships. It’s dehumanizing. 

I don’t have a good answer on how to counter The Transaction Trap. But I bet it has to do with having a sense of worthiness (Start from 100, not from 0), and understanding that the fear of abandonment does not serve anyone. 

I haven’t gotten better at asking for help overnight. And if you are a close friend reading this, know that it’s going to take me a while. But I’m done with the trap, and ready to show up in my relationships more evenly. 

Will you help me?